Friday, August 9, 2013

Here I am.

There isn't a feeling much worse than being disappointed in yourself. When the whole time, you know what you're doing is wrong, yet you cannot stop your destructive behavior no matter how much you're hurting yourself. There are many ways to do this, but for me, it's emotional eating. 

When I step back and look at the big picture, I see a pattern. If I'm scared, stressed, sad, or feeling helpless, I fix it with food. I'm not sure how or when it started, but it's been going on all of my adult life. It doesn't make much sense, but when I feel like my life is out of control, I regain it by making bad decisions. I know I'm breaking, but I don't care. I know I'm ruining all of my hard work, but it doesn't matter. It starts small, then it snowballs until I feel just as miserable as I did before. 

I'm here now. I feel badly that I did this to myself. I know I am to blame. Why couldn't I stop? Why wasn't I strong enough? I could blame it on a multitude of things. The loss of our business. The uncertainty of life at that time. Moving to a new state. The financial strain we have experienced lately. It was hard, and I compensated by sabotaging myself. I can't blame any situation. I ultimately made the choice to take the easy, destructive way out instead of digging deeper and pushing on. Live and learn, I guess? 

I am very lucky in the fact that through the hell we have been through this year, my marriage is sound. I have a husband who understands and loves me for me, no matter what life brings and how I choose to deal with it. He is my partner in everything, and I know that together, we will come out on the other end stronger.

Emotionally, I'm not quite ready to come back to my weight loss journey quite yet. I have to work through some things, and get through the rest of this month, which will be spent with my amazing family. On September 7th, I will participate in my first 5k marathon. When I signed up last year, I had glorious visions of a thinner, toned me kicking ass at this. Instead, I'm closer to where I was when I started. I think taking part of this marathon will be a sort of rebirth for me. I will be the slower, out of shape me, but I will still be me, doing something for the right reasons. 

I come home to Arizona the day after the race. The perfect time to recommit and do this right, once and for all. 

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